How to Recognize Unhealthy Relationships
Relationships are meant to enrich our lives by offering support, love, and connection. But sometimes, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships that feel draining and begin to take a toll on our mental health.
It can be challenging to recognize an unhealthy relationship, especially when we're invested emotionally.
By identifying these behaviours, we can empower ourselves to make choices that protect our well-being and foster more meaningful connections.
This blog will explore common unhealthy relationship patterns, why they're hard to spot, and how to start noticing them early in your relationships. While this blog doesn’t focus on any one kind of relationship, it’s important to remember that unhealthy patterns can show up in any relationship: friends, family, romantic, platonic, work colleagues, etc.
Remember that by recognizing these unhealthy relationship patterns, you are making space for healthier relationships that leave you feeling fulfilled, safe, and loved.
1. What Are Unhealthy Relationship Patterns?
Unhealthy relationship patterns are recurring behaviours, actions, or dynamics that create a sense of confusion, dependency, risk, emotional strain, fear, isolation, or mental health issues. They are strongly linked with hurting self-esteem and overall well-being.
We often feel disconnected from ourselves and the people around us.
Signs to Look For: Unhealthy patterns often lead to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, depression, isolation, guilt, uncertainty, and more. You might feel like you're walking on eggshells or questioning your value in the relationship. Sometimes, it can be easier to spot unhealthy behaviours, while other times, not. While relationships are not perfect and have ups and downs, they become problematic when these feelings become persistent and affect our overall well-being.
2. Unhealthy Relationship Traits
Codependency occurs when a person becomes reliant on another person. They may form their self-worth and identity around this person. Codependency can happen when one takes on the role of a "caretaker" and constantly puts the other's needs first while neglecting their own.
Controlling Behavior: This pattern shows up when one person tries to dictate aspects of the other's life. This can vary from who they spend time with to how they should act, look, or feel. While it might seem like caring or "protectiveness" initially, it gradually limits your independence. It leads to feelings of being trapped or stifled.
Fear of Conflict: If either person fears speaking up about their needs, then important issues can not be addressed. This avoidance behaviour can prevent healthy communication and create an emotional distance. Over time, this "peacekeeping" can lead to resentment and detachment from the other person.
Hot-and-cold dynamics are the classic "push-and-pull" dynamic, in which one person might seem close and affectionate one moment and distant or unavailable the next. This inconsistency can leave one feeling insecure and constantly seeking reassurance, and it can be extremely draining and take a toll on one's mental health.
Lack of Boundaries: Healthy relationships should have boundaries that protect each partner's individuality and space. Without boundaries, one person may feel smothered; their privacy is disrespected or taken advantage of. Signs of a relationship having poor boundaries could be tension, resentment, and a sense of losing oneself.
“The saddest part of an unhappy relationship is when you start questioning your worth.”
3. Why is it Hard to Spot Unhealthy Relationships?
Our Emotions: When we develop feelings and become emotionally invested in a relationship, it can be easy to miss or overlook red flags. Sometimes, feelings like wanting to be loved, fear of loneliness, or a deep desire to please can cloud our judgment.
Familiar Unhealthy Behaviours: Sometimes, unhealthy patterns feel "normal" if seen in family dynamics or the media. If all we know are toxic behaviours, they may not seem problematic in our relationships. Sometimes, we unintentionally seek out unhealthy relationships because they feel comfortable and familiar. Recognizing that these patterns need to change requires taking a step back and evaluating what behaviours make us feel valued, safe, and respected versus what ones do not.
4. Reflective Exercises to Recognize Unhealthy Patterns
Ask Yourself: Self-reflection can be powerful for identifying unhealthy patterns. Here are a few questions to consider:
Do I feel anxious or "on edge" when I'm with this person? Unhealthy patterns often trigger a feeling of walking on eggshells, where you constantly worry about the other person's reaction or may need constant reassurance or validation from them.
Am I afraid to speak up about my needs? If expressing your needs or feelings leads to conflict - the relationship may be unhealthy.
Do I feel responsible for making them happy, even at my expense? This is a familiar feeling in a codependent relationship, where one person feels they must "fix" or support the other at all costs.
Bodily Sensations: If we can tune in to our body sensations, they can signal when something's wrong, even if our minds haven't processed it yet. Physical symptoms to watch for are tension, stomach issues, headaches, exhaustion, and trouble sleeping.
5. How to Move Forward
Begin to Cultivate Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that you deserve respect and kindness. Journaling or practicing mindfulness can help you become more attuned to your needs and emotions. Think about how you would support a friend going through this situation.
Set Small Boundaries: Set smaller boundaries that help you regain control over your space and time. One example could be to tell your partner that you need time for yourself or set a time to sit down together and discuss things that are upsetting you in the relationship. Building up small boundaries will help you assert more significant boundaries when needed.
Seek Support: Breaking free from unhealthy relationship patterns is easier said than done; that is why support is critical. Reach out to friends, family, teachers, or a therapist who can offer a safe space to process your feelings and provide guidance on moving forward.
Practice Self-Care: Taking time for activities you enjoy or that help you relax can restore emotional balance and build resilience. If you need more ideas for self-care, you can find them here.
6. Final Reminders
The first step towards healthier relationships is to begin to recognize these patterns.
Lean on your support when it gets difficult.
It's normal to outgrow relationships that no longer serve you when you become more aware of warning signs.
Navigating unhealthy relationships is difficult and often complicated. Give yourself grace - change is hard.
You're not alone if you recognize that some of these patterns are present in your current relationship. Relationships are hard.
However, when you act, such as gaining awareness, setting boundaries, or prioritizing yourself, you make room for more fulfilling relationships.
And remember... you are worthy of having healthy relationships that bring you peace, happiness, safety, and support.
SUPPORTS:
Kids Help Phone: Call 1-800-668-6868 (toll-free) or text CONNECT to 686868
Ontario 24/7 Community and Social Services Helpline: 211
Talk4Healing 24/7 Helpline for Indigenous Women: 1-855-554-4325
Victim 24/7 Support Line: 1-888-579-2888
